engineering at my first festival this week, and thrown in the deep end so suddenly, so that’s always a hard learning curve. i’m grateful, and it’s true i am learning much very quickly, though loneliness is a heavy depth when you’re so new and everyone else has their own bubbles from the past couple decades.

the best part, though, is that i could stay with family in the malvern hills to reach this festival – i hadn’t seen them in so long and i’m so thankful to at least have spent a good day with them when i arrived, before i had to be so immersed in this work that i’m gone early and back too late to catch one another again. hopefully monday i can make more of a vibe before i return for my last weeks of the tenancy in north london, wander the hills and finish my exposures on the minolta.

but anyway, back to being in my feelings

it’s hard to know what one really wants at this age, and to know that you’re making the right decisions is even harder. i think most people my age hate the prospect of constant work for survival, though i imagine that’s always the same for each generation, until they just have to and get so deep into the cycle.

the resolve i reach is always a deeper pursuit into artistry. though each day i realise my own capabilities are far too lacklustre to compete in this world, regardless of the unique lens i approach my work from, and so i must get back to study and practise. thankfully, my degree is over and i am returning to scotland for a few months to do just this, learn more, save money and rediscover what i need to about myself.

even with rational judgement, that good ol’ imposter syndrome hits hard right?

i’ve gone through a lot of doubts these past few months, despite some good achievements. what is needed is to take some time getting inspiration, going back to the source and rebuilding things. good job i have my platforms and expressions to bounce this on 🙂

but maybe i’ve missed out on more major milestones of growing up than i reckoned. now i keep asking myself what i want more, and i get more and more puzzled. add to that being let down by people, and you struggle to not harbour spite.

i can’t become a sour man full of spite.

anything but that.

without reverence and joy, what is there?

even through the hazy lens of my dark atmospheres.

time away will be good, but i can’t do it alone again. let’s hope i can find my people up there this time.

i miss you

and i miss me too

once again, reflection is needed.