there’s hardly anything to say. but here’s a bunch of stuff anyway.

i reflect on all that bring me smiles, and feel knots form and twist within me over all the embarrassments. things have always been difficult for me socially, and i have spent the majority of this time studying ways to mimic those to which interaction comes easily, trying to understand and find such ease in myself. often this has gone very well, and then i go through a year like this where it all seems to go backwards. i can find myself stuck for hours as though my lips have been sewn shut. yes, yes, you’re trapped, just like everyone else.

(it gets happier i promise, just bear with me).

in some ways. i know there are ways in which i am wired completely different to most, and thankfully i have the diagnoses to prove it. but i have spent many years with this as an excuse, and i grow weary of it.

a cause can offer great explanation for something, but often does not excuse it. now, i use this argument more for understanding those who have done wrong – there is always a reason why, but that is rarely a justification. and many would say i am too harsh for saying this same thing to myself, that i should be allowed to excuse myself, given the circumstances.

but if a tendency i am wired with leaves me feeling desolate and empty, then i do not think that can be excused. we are powerful creatures in our ability to cause change within ourselves, if we have such determined resolve to do so.

i think what is important is viewing these things with kindness, and forgiveness. i do not wish to excuse the same ‘failures’ in myself over and over, but should i fall, it does me no good to answer this with hate and despair. as much as i feel i ought to sometimes. one must accept things with humility and love, and rise to try again. so when the chance comes again, we may remember, and see how we can approach the energetic movement differently. if we continue to base this growth upon self loathing, then the same defence mechanisms will continue to be triggered each time difficult situations present themselves; you spiral back into the same habits to which you try so desperately to run from.

the more you run from things, the faster you become them. or whatever tyler the creator said.

for a few years i really came into my own in this personal development stuff, at the ripe age of 16. i had a strange childhood. no-one could even begin to guess the confusion behind it all. even now, it seems i’m doing pretty well, apart from those days. but back then i felt unstoppable; i’d almost completely turned off the tap of anxious bullshit.

but i had no artistic expression. i had neglected that side of myself for so long.

there’s always a catch in things, and as i now find myself in a slightly opposite side of it all, i recall the essentialness of sacrifice.

and so i moved, up north to the scottish fresh air, free from the city that i hated all my life, just as i had grown to love it. ironic, right? and just as the lockdown began. i grew very accustomed to the solace of my own mind again, and followed in into dissolution and madness while i wandered the beautiful forests and fields for hours on end. that sounds like exaggeration but i assure you it is quite the case; i mean, have you read the stuff in this blog so far? it came quite natural to me to use my own psyche as a form of experimentation, to see how deep it all goes, and to try and understand what it all means.

as you can imagine, that could sometimes get rather dark.

and then again for a while i thought i had found some of the answers. the secrets of the universe, as tyrece and i used to always say. in some ways i did find something like that, though they are neither secrets nor anything one could conceptualise into words, other than the vaguest of directions like harmony, and divinity. i gave my thanks to this, as it led me back to my core. i found my artistry again, and more importantly discovered the magic of this in music.

i remember standing on the end of crombie point, a rocky pier at the end of the fife coastal path, situated a bit inland on the estuary upon which edinburgh sits, facing the grangemouth power station and gazing at the incredibly high tide as the waves crashed with quite a menacing force. there was quite a mean storm going, you see.

the wind and rain seemed to strip my mind bare, and left my skeleton out to the mercy of the sea. it took quite a lot of my might not to jump in, to be frank. an hour or two passed as i just watched the waves roll, and i saw thousands of faces rise and fall in its countenance. they had such expressions that were so incomprehensible to me, but i kept staring, trying to understand.

this is the part where you wonder if this is all some big descriptive metaphor for how i experience day to day life. i’ve wondered that too, and you mustn’t underestimate the synchronicity that arrises in life. if you look for it, you shall see everything in its great majesty reflected back at you, in every nook and cranny.

however poetically you may interpret it though, like i say, i rarely exaggerate. i experience life quite literally, and so speak accordingly.

i walked home that day two hours after sunrise, as though i was learning to walk again. like i had to rebuild myself, from scratch. though that was not something i was too unfamiliar with, this time struck me to my core. so still with me now i carry such great reverence for nature, and the divine forces of this world. they do not just whisper, but scream and shout from the top of their lungs, in every single facet of growing and still life, rocks and hills, soil and bark, leaves and petals, water and ice that you can try lay your eyes on. and the rest that you can’t. they whisper the truth that i so desperately longed for, that which even now i seem to so often forget, as i bury myself in the hustle and bustle of city life in search of my work. but still they cry out, without wavering, for that is their duty, and their promise, to everything all around. it is the chain that keeps on singing, and it is filled with thanks. gracious, joyous thanks, even in the sharpest storm, blasting the rocks for the millionth time with all its might, they respond with gratitude.

i think we all then ask why?

that’s all we ever ask.

but some things can’t be explained, not like our minds desire. not in a tangible, human way with labels and diagrams.

some things can only be felt.

and so with this resolve circling my mind, as i filled journal after journal and taught myself music production, and painting (not that nice ‘correct’ manner, just my own silly abstractions), new forms of writing, and of course the guitar. i was still too scared to begin singing, but soon i would meet kind people who gave me more courage. i made some deep mistakes, and as it turns out it would not be the first, and not even be the worst, but i let them teach me as best i could, and asked for forgiveness. you’ll be very hard pressed trying to find anyone in this life that hasn’t done wrong. what you should look for are those who can freely admit to it, and seek to do better in response. we are creatures of both great good and great evil; it is what you choose to listen to that matters. never trust those who can never accept their own capacity for evil, or can never own up to their own faults. for we all have both.

anyway, i digress.

it was time for my first real statement, when i felt my refinement of skill was at its first major milestone (note: i’m probably only now nearing my second, or third at best). and so i made the nature of self. an instrumental project reflecting, as best i could, what i had learnt through my time in scotland, from the swift and abrupt maturing i had to go through before in coventry, working full time at 16 but devoted to personal development to the nth degree, to the ever-flowing joy and madness of running through the trees for 8 hours a day and learning what it meant to express. why we express. and how this all reflected back into the natural world, from which it came, into the nature of our own minds.

like i say, i tried to delve deep into the psychology of myself. i went awfully far in.

then with another miracle, and this project in my back pocket, i made it to london, to study production officially as a degree. to discover myself and find some comfort in people again, for the isolation up north had driven me to madness one too many times. as you can expect, the overstimulation was pretty high, and i felt to be a fish out of water. but, as we always do, i adapted. then i was grew reckless, remembering my tender age and acted accordingly, trying to experience and live wildly, and made the deeper mistakes. i can never listen to advice, truly. if a mistake is to be made, i must make it, to really understand why. oh, how i have wished this wan’t the case, but alas, we are all wiser with hindsight. you had to do it first to gain that wisdom.

i hadn’t forgotten my social learning from before scotland, but i did realise how strange other things came to me now i was really an ‘adult’. i tried my best, but neglected my health and learning, and a great deal of the grace i learnt in the warm arms of nature faded from my attention. it’s very easy to get swept up by big cities, and even easier than that to forget why you even went there in the first place. trying to live, rather than survive, is a great ordeal.

and now we’re back, really. i’ve endured great turbulence, and been graced with great blessings. the echoes of my spiritual delving in the north struck me in painful ways at times, and joyous ways in others. as with everybody else, i continued to fight the ever-raging tug of war between trying to live the life i desire for the best peace, health and ‘productivity’, and the more pressing concerns of shit that needs to be done now to pay rent, eat and show up to things.

it’s hard keeping friends through that, even more so when you reside in a mind like my own. there’s only so many times you can apologise to people for not being there, before you realise the chance has passed. that’s ok. everyone has their own path, we must accept that.

this year i went within, with a great deal of struggle but so much goodness and achievement. i have found ways to re-ignite the fire, when it felt completely exhausted, put real care back into my health, learning and this artistic journey, and laid some real foundations for good musical growth and experiences this year to come. i got to travel like i was never able to in my whole life, and see some wonderful shows. i found joy and appreciation whenever i had lost it, rising from the shells around me, and i think i am learning to listen to the currents of the world around me again. to feel the pulsing breath of life in nature, the divinity in things. i was able to cry again. that one is really quite the achievement.

and yet i still can fixate on how i feel smaller again. how i have crashed and lost my words in rooms full of people. how i have somehow ended up with people hating me, seemingly convinced that i have malicious intent toward them, when all i had wished to do was be friends. this happens to us all; i just seem to have a harder time understanding it, and moving past it. this year i felt really small.

that is why, i remind myself, i am an artist. because i feel it all, so unbelievably much. find strength in your feelings of weakness, with the knowledge that it takes great capacity to feel them it at all.

and i have so much appreciation as a result.

i really try to say my thanks for things.

even if weeks go by and i fall into the clouds again, or if i sit in another room and feel my voice disappear, trapped underneath the water’s surface, i continue to keep faith. just a sliver of hope is all it takes to keep going. and when you snap out of it (like we always do), take some nice big breaths and say your thanks. it all has its purpose.

so i explain it all, but i do not excuse it. i forgive myself and understand why, but do not hate myself for my perceived failings and how they burden me. i quietly accept it, because i’ve seen the biggest picture, and it’s ok for these things to happen. what matters is that you try again, a little each time, to train as i once did so valiantly. as i do now again. to study those around me and myself, not excusing my shy behaviour in such a way that i can continue to perpetuate it, but humbly letting a weak moment pass so it can be followed with one just a little bit stronger.

each time the weight on my chest gets a little bit lighter.

what matters is that you do not continue to stare into the void. you make sure the moment you see the clouds break and a sliver of sunshine passes through, you jump up and catch it. you forgive yourself for letting your eyes shut by opening them as wide as you can, and laugh it off.

the sun and the moon laugh so wonderfully, if you stop to listen.

i can’t guarantee i won’t feel so awkward again; it’s pretty reasonable to expect it, at some point. but i can promise myself that i’ll keep trying, and let it let go a bit more then. you don’t need to hold on so tight and have all these preconceptions about things, its really never as serious as we think. and before you know it, you’ve forgotten the worry.

i hope i can find solace around good people more this year. this journey is walked with those around you, not in solidarity. as nice as it is to be alone in my own space, that does not allow me to grow nearly as much as being in the company of other kind souls, ones who feel the same budding flowers in their core as I do, yearning to jump out and grow their roots in the infinite manners of art and human expression that we have at our fingertips. i love watching that unfold.

as for the path, i can thankfully say things are moving along nicely. i am to perform my first show next month, supporting my good old friend howard, and will sing proudly. there is lots for me to discover, and i feel such great excitement to see how it will unfold, as i continue to refine my craft and understand what it is that i am learning.

my whole life’s work is one big great painting, a myriad of expressions slowly growing and drawing themselves together in a web, and i know that it shines with wonder and beauty. i feel everything far too much for it to not. it truly is divine.

how exciting it is to see how it all grows!

and so i think of the past year, and i direct my attention to this. not to the worries, and the cracks, but to the joy, and the growth. the sweet imperfections bursting with feeling that ripen by the day.

this year i will care for myself more, so that my health may reflect the same golden shine.

and gain some more discipline over my emotions. allowing oneself to feel, but not to be led astray by spirals of concern and away from awareness in the present are two very different things. i love feeling how i feel, but i sure can learn from the past in ways to not let it overcome me.

for there is a great difference between experiencing something, and becoming it.

i am more than the clouds that pass me by.

i am the million colours in the breath of life, permeating through it all.

now, i have surely written much more than was necessary, and i am sleepy and should rest for a while. writing like this almost always comes in the quiet peace of the night, you see. but hey, reading all this was your choice, i didn’t tell you to. and i’ve got to get some of this stuff out there now; it’ll make the book writing so much easier in the future!

we all need to be able to say our stories, otherwise we’d just explode.

and i like to be very exact with how i speak.

with love,

taryn : )